Here's to you...

I've kind of drifted away from blogging, since i barely had time to breathe in the past 6 months. My two best friends have recently started there's and from time to time post something. Since we transferred out of the same school we have lost touch a little bit, so reading them helps to keep myself informed about their lives.

Axel transferred and is now stationed at a private school about an hour or so away from my new school. G, we both kind of left behind. I can honestly say that without those two I would have never survived Long Island. That disgusting place was basically hell to me. They taught me to stand up for myself and that no matter what, it doesn't matter where we all end up in life that there's always going to be someone there. Its painful to know that one was left behind. That G is going through some really tough times and Axel and I aren't there to really help. We're just a bunch of bystanders that are watching one of our dearest friends fall into the wrong crowd and drown in a sea of her own thoughts. Now that we are split up it might feel as if we don't literally have that shoulder to cry on anymore, but in reality we're just a phone call away.

Its tough being in a new school, again, trying to make new friends when you already know you have the best ones that you'll probably ever have. The one's that can walk into your room without knocking, see you naked, sit down at your desk and start talking about their day. The kind of friends that will sit in an emergency room for hours because one of your best's was in a bar fight trying to protect you. The ones that, even though you're hundreds of miles away from them, still treat you as though you live right down the hall.

My "best friends" from home, now that I am in a new school, have decided that they are the only one's that matter in my life. One of them just watches as our relationship with the other dwindles into nothing. The thing I love about my true best friends is that not only do I feel like I've grown up with them, but that they don't demand my time. They don't tell me that I have to see them. They actually understand that even though we might not talk every day, every week, or maybe even that month, that they will always be in my heart. I will see them when the chance arises. I think of them everyday when I wake up when I look over on my desk, or taped on my wall, the pictures of alot of our good times. That'll never change. Its strange to me how I can have friends from home that I've know for roughly 8 years decided that they are the only people in my life who are important. WRONG. Its funny how life works out. I"ve know Axel and G for about a year and a half and they mean more to me than alot of people ever will.

Thoughout college, I have realized that no one really matters. I have my boy, who is one of the best rocks I could ask for. He's able to get through my stubborn sarcastic side and help me to see what others may be thinking, to maybe take them into consideration. It doesn't always work, haha, but he tries. He's helped me to talk about things when I'm upset instead of closing up and not letting anyone know that something's bothering me. If he wasn't so good at knowing that I was upset we probably wouldn't have the kind of relationship that we do, one based off of friendship and a firm foundation of communication. He's taught me to only care about those who would hop in their car and drive to see me if i really needed them. I've found them and don't plan on letting them go.


Sometimes it isn't who you'd die for, but who you're willing to live for. <3

simple man.

Life has changed dramatically since I have come home from college. Whenever I drive around and do my many errands, or go to the gym, I look out of my car windows and don't see Lambo dealerships and obnoxious materialistic Long Islanders, but I see horses and cows. At home, I am surrounded by large fields and barns with paddocks filled with fouls and their mothers. It's peaceful. I don't feel rushed to do anything. Upstate sets it's own pace to do certain things. The toughest transition would have to be opening up to people that I have not talked to in a year. During my freshman year of school, Long Island did indeed change the way that I viewed our society. That reched place taught me how to really stand up for myself and to protect the people that meant the most to me. Long Island conditioned me to hate almost everyone. Before that place I would introduce myself to people, I would people get to know me just a little bit, but now... I don't feel like anyone deserves to know who I am. I'm not afraid to let someone know what i think about them. I honestly don't care if someone never talks to me again.

Being home has helped. Besides the obnoxious petty arugements with the "best friend," I now have a simple man by my side. Instead of having the "best friend" telling me to open up, Seth just waits for me to open up to him. He knows that school was hard and that everything has pretty much changed for me. I fought him for three years about everything and just realized that it is time to be a little spoon. I have decided to let someone else protect me for once, to take me out to dinner, tell me about their day, and learn about their lifestyle. It's nice knowing that people see a change in you, a good change. They are starting to notice that I'm smiling more and seem a lot happier. Life just feels like it's looking up.

For Starters...

My college roommate, while she was slightly intoxicated the other night, decided to bookmark her blog for me on my computer. I decided to make one of my own since this seems to be a pretty decent way to let all of my emotions out. Recently, I have been contemplating on developing my own written journal just to let the time pass, but never got around to doing it, so since I am online for about a quarter of my day, if that, I chose to start up a blog.



Since college has started I have been going through experiences that have helped me grow into my own skin. My morals have been tested in more ways than one, I have learned who I can trust and can't, and how to deal with terrible cafeteria food. The one thing that college has yet to teach me is how to deal with "just friends," "good friends," and "buddies." I was always used to being just one of the guys back in high school since I was a tomboy at heart. Playing sports was what I did, and what I managed to do well. Going through my awkward stage was well, awkward, and it was a struggle for not just me, but my family also. I was "one of the guys," but that didn't exactly mean that they thought of me as more than that. I had my chubby cheeks, my glasses, and my braces at that point in my life. That's basically all I had to use to get the guys' attention. As I got a bit older i grew into my body. I turned into this curvy young woman standing at just under 5 feet 3 inches tall; no braces, no glasses. In high school I didn't get much attention, but college turned out to be a whole different story. When I was younger I was always concerned about my weight and wanting to stay fit for sports, college was no different. Playing division III volleyball was a way for me to become a bit more accustomed to the school, meet new people, but to also stay in shape. I would always seem the guys working out in the weight room, some would look at me, but I wasn't approached very often. Not until my second semester. Over Christmas break i realized that I had gained the dreaded "freshman fifteen" and then some. The freshman twenty resulted in my hips getting broader and going up a cup size. For some reason after I gain weight most of my guy-friends decide to tell me they see me as "more than a friend," problem is... they're all doing it at the same time.

For example, I went home for spring break and over break I hung out with a few old friends. Of those old friends three of them decided they were going to tell me that they finally got the courage to tell me they had feelings me. Honestly, I have no idea what to do since things like this never happen to me and if they do happen it's never at the same time. My favorite part is that at one point all four of us were once friends. One of them decided to tell me that he needed advice with one of the girls that he thought he had feelings for. Usually they do come to me with this sort of thing, so it wasn't anything I wasn't expecting. He goes on about how he has liked her for a while, but couldn't really tell her cause of her boyfriend and now she's single, so he wants to give it a try. He wants to ask her out, but doesn't know how. I told him to just ask her out to dinner; it's not too expensive and its easy to get some conversation in. Seemed like a good first date choice to me until he said, "So would you like to go out to dinner?" He's "just a friend," so I said no. Another one of my old friends goes out to a bar and wants to know if I can come, when I told him I wasn't going to be able to make it he says, "Great, now who am i going to hit on all night?" Smooooth, but that's again a No. I met up with another old friend at a local mall, since I needed to put in job applications all over in order for me to not get any phone calls about them, and we got some lunch to catch up on things. I didn't know that "catching up on things" meant "oh I've had a crush on you ever since we
started working together." I already had no idea what to do. There were supposed to be my "just friends" who were trying to tell me that they wanted to be my "more than a friend" friends. Just when i thought it could not get any worse I headed back to school again. I have committed myself to another college that i will be transferring to in the fall of '09, so my time left on this campus is limited. The guys on campus must have realized that their time with me is diminishing and have taken the time to formulate how they were going to tell me their feelings for me. Last week, one of the baseball players asked me to stop by his room, so we could talk about "school and stuff." He then proceeded to tell me that he has had feelings for me since last semester when we were in algebra together. He then got aggravated at the fact that I do not see him as "more than a friend," or a "buddy" and got laughed at by his teammates. Another one of my good friends on campus while he was drunk told me that he has had feelings for me for a while, but didn't know how to show it. He then bought me a pair of new shoes and took me out for ice cream. I told him many times that there was no need for him to spoil me since I only saw him as "just a friend." I even pulled out the "well you are like the brother I never had" card and for some odd reason he still has not grasped that concept. It's hard trying to get them to understand when they refuse to comprehend what you are trying to explain to them. Maybe those who don't know why they don't get approached by men should gain twenty pounds and see what happens because it seems to me like we either have a drought, or a flood.